The Onion

I have written for The Onion for over 3 years in my capacities as a current Senior Contributing Writer, former Writing Fellow, and former Features Contributor.

My written work includes full-length articles, headlines, feature jokes, one-liners, and American Voices quotes.

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HEADLINES I’VE WRITTEN:

Jared Fogle Says Prison Has Made Him Realize How Wrong He Was To Endorse Subway

Trojan Introduces New Anti-Anxiety Weighted Condoms

Harvey Weinstein Placed Under Intensive Suicide Encouragement At Rikers Island

Study Finds Average Squirrel Lives Through Human Equivalent Of 7 Action Films Every Day

Vinyl Wood Floor Transports Woman From Supermarket Into Bazaar Of Epicurean Delights

Kyrsten Sinema Defends Senate Filibuster As Necessary For Her To Stay Politically Relevant

God Starting To Regret Not Learning Spanish (publish date TBD)

Meyers Leonard Vows To Make Amends For Anti-Semitic Slur By Getting Circumcised

Betsy DeVos Apologizes For Ever Being Complicit With Something As Toxic As Public Education

Report: 70% Of Republicans Believe Election Hasn’t Happened Yet (SUB: ‘How Can You Declare A Winner Before A Single Vote Is Cast?’ Ask GOP Voters)

Trump Signs Executive Order Establishing ‘1946 Commission’ To Teach How America Started At President’s Birth

Curt Schilling Insists He’d Already Be Hall Of Famer If MLB Never Racially Integrated

California Police Relieved That Devastating Wildfires Forcing Families Out Of Homes For Them

More Cities Offering Drive-Through Covid Injection Sites To Put Citizens Out Of Misery

Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

Ed Markey Plays Up Anti-Establishment Bona Fides With New Ad Boasting That He Shot JFK

Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy

Edmund Pettus Bridge Officially Renamed As Edmund Pettus-John Lewis Friendship Bridge

‘And What Do We Want To Do About This Nest Full Of Baby Sparrows?’ Asks Barber Giving Man His First Haircut In 6 Months

Republican Leaders Claim New Yorkers Will Greet U.S. Military As Liberators

Georgia Governor Orders Statue Of Robert E. Lee To Be Replaced With Larger Statue Of Robert E. Lee

Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists

Major Relief: Microsoft Has Confirmed That The Xbox Series X Will Play Video Games

Federal Reserve Takes Drastic Action By Pumping $1.5 Trillion Into The Ether

Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining

Lin-Manuel Miranda: ‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’

Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of American’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool

‘The Penis Is The Male Reproductive Organ,’ Says Teacher To Class That Has Already Watched Hundreds Of Hours Of Hardcore Pornography

Last-Second DNC Rule Change Requires Candidates Spend At Least $300 Million Of Own Fortune To Make Debate Stage

Western Culture Ends

Iowa Democratic Party Finally Releases Full Caucus Results To Rubble-Strewn Remains Of Des Moines In Year 2186

Chris Matthews Warns Bernie Sanders Victory Runs Risk Of Making Him Look Stupid 2 Elections In A Row

Joni Ernst Insists She Hasn’t Seen Any Impeachment Evidence That Has Changed Her Self-Serving Political Calculus

Jill Biden Urges Democratic Voters To Ignore Which Candidates Are Mentally Sharp Enough To Finish Complete Sentences For Good Of Party

Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymore

Extremely Effective Therapist Just Lets Patients Beat Shit Out Of Him For 45 Minutes

Chuck Todd Extensively Preparing To Accept Whatever Candidates Say At Face Value Without Any Follow-Up Questions

World Populace Actually Fine With Rich People Dying On Mount Everest

Struggling Single Mother Seriously Considering Putting Baby Up For Audition

Report: Massive Hypocrisy Just Flat-Out Gets The Job Done

Man Wastes No Time Masturbating While Roommate Gone For Weekend

Couple Wouldn’t Have Stayed In Loveless Marriage If They Knew That’s How Kid Would Turn Out

Jimmy Carter Already Back To Elite Sumo Wrestling Circuit After Recovering From Hip Surgery

‘One Day This Will All Be Yours,’ Says Buzz Aldrin While Showing Great-Grandson Around Moon

Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost

New Employee Confused By Office Espresso Machine Just Returns To Desk With Mug Of Hot Water

Actor Who Portrayed The Night King Recalls Challenge Of Playing Character With No Purpose

Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat

The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report

Pond A Little Too Serene

Priest Cursed With Incredible Penis

Lazy Man Waiting For Spark Of Inspiration To Finally Get Started On Masturbating

Steven Spielberg Criticizes Netflix For Ruining Golden Age Of Pandering Big-Budget Corporate Films

Giant Demonic Hand Bursts Out Of Ground, Drags Bill Belichick Back To Hell

Aunt Scores Big With Nephews By Dropping Bombshell Story About Mom Smoking Weed As Teenager

White House Says Mueller Report Must Be Kept Private Because It’s So Exonerating It Would Drive Public Mad

Mueller Kinda Miffed That Barr Clearly Didn’t Read His Stuff Like He Said He Would

Hot Wheels Ranked Number One Toy For Rolling Down Ramp, Knocking Over Dominoes That Send Marble Down A Funnel, Dropping Onto Teeter-Totter That Yanks On String, Causing Pulley System To Raise Wooden Block, Propelling Series Of Twine Rollers That Unwind Spring, Launching Tennis Ball Across Room, Inching Tire Down Slope Until It Hits Power Switch, Activating Table Fan That Blows Toy Ship With Nail Attached To It Across Kiddie Pool, Popping Water Balloon That Fills Cup, Weighing Down Lever That Forces Basketball Down Track, Nudging Broomstick On Axis To Rotate, Allowing Golf Ball To Roll Into Sideways Coffee Mug, Which Tumbles Down Row Of Hardcover Books Until Handle Catches Hook Attached To Lever That Causes Wooden Mallet To Slam Down On Serving Spoon, Catapulting Small Ball Into Cup Attached By Ribbon To Lazy Susan, Which Spins Until It Pushes D Battery Down Incline Plane, Tipping Over Salt Shaker To Season Omelet

Ancient Texts Reveal Depicting Muhammad’s Image Was Forbidden Due To Prophet’s Self-Consciousness About His Huge Chin (Publish Date TBD)

ARTICLES I’VE WRITTEN:

Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To Attain Facial Purity

Op-Ed: Traveling Is An Incredible Way To Meet Vulnerable People Nobody Will Go Looking For (By: Rick Steves)

The Onion’s Legal Analysts Have Completed Their Official Count Of How Many Pages Are In The Mueller Report

Disney Announces New Remake Of All Human Society As Armed Imagineers Begin Rounding Up Population (Publication Date TBD)

World Populace Actually Fine With Rich People Dying On Mount Everest

Report: Massive Hypocrisy Just Flat-Out Gets The Job Done

Tearful Meghan McCain Opens Up About Father’s Dying Wish That She Be Given Her Own Daytime Talk Show

Jimmy Carter Already Back To Elite Sumo Wrestling Circuit After Recovering From Hip Surgery

Cory Booker Tries To Relate To Rural Voters By Mangling Hand In Grain Auger

Huckabee Sanders Tells Colleagues She’s Taking Temporary Post As Google CEO Before Transitioning Into Full-Time Role As Sultan Of Brunei

Drooling Imbecile Rocks Back And Forth In Delight While Watching Arby’s Clap Back At Burger King On Twitter

Deepfake Video Of Mark Zuckerberg Barely Good Enough To Masturbate To

Report: U.S. Death Rates From Drugs, Suicide, And Alcohol Have Greatly Increased, But Not In A Cool Rock And Roll Way‘

Relationship Experts Still No Closer To Discovering What Scarlett Johansson Sees In Colin Jost

Actor Who Portrayed The Night King Recalls Challenge Of Playing Character With No Purpose

‘Let’s See You Answer These’ Snickers Alex Trebek As He Unveils Invasive Categories About James Holzhauer’s Personal Life

Company Commits To Hiring More Bengal Tigers In Effort To Improve Office Biodiversity

De Blasio PAC Spends $30 Million On Ads Urging Candidate Not To Embarrass Self By Running

Alabama Cracks Down On Abortions By Outlawing All Medical Procedures

Town Hall Audience Gives Amy Klobuchar Standing Ovation As She Lifts Chris Cuomo Up By Throat

Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time

Defiant Sarah Huckabee Sanders Claims She Doesn’t Know Where Voice Comes From When She Opens Mouth

Panicked Man Completely Out Of Things To Talk About 5 Minutes Into Marriage

Shocked ‘Our Planet’ Viewers Watch As David Attenborough Enters Scene To Break Neck Of Starving Polar Bear

White House Says Mueller Report Must Be Kept Private Because It’s So Exonerating It Would Drive Public Mad

Santa Anita Racetrack Officials Award First Place To Jockey Who Dragged Dead Horse 30 Yards Over Finish Line

Mueller Kinda Miffed That Barr Clearly Didn’t Read His Stuff Like He Said He Would

Embarrassed Comcast CEO Just Tells People He Does Digital Media Stuff

U.S. Army Now Just Chasing Single Remaining ISIS Soldier Around Ruins Of Syrian Village

Man Entering Fog Of Insanity Asked If This His First Time At Dave & Busters

Trump Ramps Up Attacks On John McCain By Dragging Senator’s Exhumed Corpse Behind Motorcade

Historians Uncover Evidence Lost Socrates Dialogues Where He Just Gave Up And Started Screaming That Opponent A Fucking Brainwashed Shill

Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle

Lazy Man Waiting For Spark Of Inspiration To Finally Get Started On Masturbating

Doctor Alarmed By How Little Time Family Needed To Decide To Pull Plug On Grandfather

Kim Jong-Un Panics After Returning To North Korea To Find Country’s Populace Has Escaped

Chicago Police Credits Their Extensive Experience Falsifying Evidence For Helping Solve Smollett Case

Elliott Abrams Defends War Crimes As Happening Back In The '80s When Everyone Was Doing It

Mueller Annoyed By Chipper, Overeager Adam Schiff Constantly Sending Him Evidence He’s Already Uncovered

‘Hurry, There’s A Violent Black Woman Attacking My Daughter,’ Says Cindy McCain To Police While Watching ‘The View’